Algo-doomed
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| Image by Vecteezy |
I’m here to report the future may even be bleeker, and more ironic. Bleek because it turns out our lives are indeed being controlled, but by inferior-intelligence algorithms - the irony.
This is best illustrated through an excerpt from my latest screenplay:
An Internet Story
FADE IN
OVER BLACK
TITLE: The following is based on real events but the names and places have been changed to protect the innocent.
TITLE: After being a Comcast Business Class customer for 5 years, David realized that his once great 27Mbps speed for $75/month internet service seemed a bit slow and expensive compared to all the Xfinity advertisements pushing 100Mbps+ speeds for lower prices. One morning he had the courage and gaul to make a change...
INT. APARTMENT - DAY
In the kitchen, dressed in a robe, DAVID, unkempt, late 20s technologist, hunches over a computer laptop on the kitchen table. The time is 9:30am.
DAVID pulls out his mobile phone and sets it on the table, face up. DAVID takes a deep breath, SIGHS emphatically, and proceeds to DIAL a number. The phone displays “Comcast” as DAVID TAPS the speaker button. The phone RINGS.
COMCAST AUTOMATED VOICE (V.O.)
Thanks for calling Comcast. Please listen to the following menu options to connect you to the right department…
DAVID
Agent.
TITLE: 5 minutes later
COMCAST AGENT BILL (V.O.)
Unfortunately, I can’t look up what your specific residential rates would be since you are a Comcast Business Class customer. You’ll have to talk to them to see what they can offer you.
DAVID
OK. Can you at least tell me what the general rates would be?
COMCAST AGENT BILL (V.O.)
Sure. The lowest tier is $30/month for 75Mbps. Would you like to be transferred to the Comcast Business Department?
DAVID INNER MONOLOGUE (V.O.)
Awesome, it may actually make sense to switch to Comcast Residential internet!
DAVID
Yes, thank you.
TITLE: 2 minutes later
DAVID
So, I found out that the lowest Comcast Residential tier is 75Mbps for $30/month. That’s way better and cheaper than my business class internet. Given that I’ve been a loyal customer for 5 years, are there any upgrades or offers to match or beat that level of service?
COMCAST BUSINESS AGENT CINDY (V.O.)
Well, sir, you are on the Comcast Business Class Premium service, and although you get 27Mbps, you still receive better customer service, no data caps, and a static IP address.
DAVID
Wait a second, the premium business service is slower than normal Comcast?
COMCAST BUSINESS AGENT CINDY (V.O.)
It’s just a name sir. And so you know, residential is always cheaper, since business accounts include the extra support.
DAVID
I guess that makes sense. Well, are there any offers for upgrading my service level then?
COMCAST BUSINESS AGENT CINDY (V.O.)
We always send marketing emails sir.
DAVID
I’ve never received any emails. I always see Comcast marketing, but never for business offers.
COMCAST BUSINESS AGENT CINDY (V.O.)
We always send marketing emails sir. In any case, you could get 75 Mbps and a static IP for $101/month, or without the static IP it would come to $81/month.
DAVID
So I could have paid $6 more dollars a month to get 3x the service level, how come I didn’t get notified about this, not to mention my account number with you guys was changed out from under me without any notification either?!
COMCAST BUSINESS AGENT CINDY (V.O.)
DAVID LAUGHS.
DAVID
As if anyone would change their primary email for their ISP. You know what, I’m done and tired of this level of service. I want to change my account to residential internet. Sign me up for that $30/month plan.
COMCAST BUSINESS AGENT CINDY (V.O.)
Well, I can only cancel your Comcast Business account from here. You’ll have to add residential service by talking to Comcast Residential.
DAVID
Seriously, aren’t you the same company? OK, fine. Let’s get this over with.
COMCAST BUSINESS AGENT CINDY (V.O.)
And by the way, cancelling requires a 60 day notice from the contract you signed years ago, so make sure to tell Comcast Residential the correct day to minimize double billing. Oh, and don’t forget to return the business class modem.
DAVID INNER MONOLOGUE (V.O.)
*&*Y^&^^%%$ 60 days of subscription lock-in, what a racket!
DAVID
Ugh, can’t you send someone to pick it up?
COMCAST BUSINESS AGENT CINDY (V.O.)
No. You’ll need to drop it off at a Comcast center, or mail it back.
DAVID INNER MONOLOGUE (V.O.)
So much for business class service…
DAVID
OK, whatever, please just cancel my account.
COMCAST BUSINESS AGENT CINDY (V.O.)
No problem sir. To do that I will need you to sign the contract termination via docusign.
DAVID INNER MONOLOGUE (V.O.)
Seriously… OK.
DAVID
OK.
COMCAST BUSINESS AGENT CINDY (V.O.)
DAVID INNER MONOLOGUE (V.O.)
So they do have my real email for payments… let it go.
DAVID
Yes.
COMCAST BUSINESS AGENT CINDY (V.O.)
Great. I’ve sent the document once you sign it, I’ll go ahead and finish the cancellation on my end and transfer you to residential.
DAVID checks his email and sees the docusign message, and opens up the document.
DAVID INNER MONOLOGUE (V.O.)
I can’t believe I need to sign a termination contract. I should probably read this in full, but it looks straightforward, and I don’t want to delay the 60 day wait before I can extricate myself from this overpriced service. So I’m going to go against typical legal advice and sign this document without reading it in full.
DAVID CLICKS the “sign” and “submit” button.
DAVID
Done signing.
COMCAST BUSINESS AGENT CINDY (V.O.)
Thank you sir, transferring you to residential now.
DAVID INNER MONOLOGUE (V.O.)
At least they are transferring me back and forth within the same call.
TITLE: 2 minutes later
DAVID
Hello. I’d like to add internet service to my account, I already have TV, and I just disconnected my business class internet service.
COMCAST RESIDENTIAL AGENT DARREN (V.O.)
OK sir, let’s verify all your details.
TITLE: 1 minute later
COMCAST RESIDENTIAL AGENT DARREN (V.O.)
Thank you sir. Strange… ah. I can’t add internet service to your account because you are part of a bulk service account in your building, so I’m going to have to transfer you to that department.
DAVID INNER MONOLOGUE (V.O.)
AFAGHADF8ASIJFWEJA! Did I just get suckered, are bulk rates going to be the same as residential rates or more expensive? And I just signed a contract, so I can’t turn back now. What have I done?
DAVID
OK, transfer me.
TITLE: 5 minutes later
COMCAST BULK AGENT ELISE (V.O.)
Thank you for verifying your information sir. Looking at the current offers available to you, right now you can get 75Mbps for $30/month.
DAVID
Great, sign me up!
COMCAST BULK AGENT ELISE (V.O.)
OK, sir. Let me get this processed for you. Now, seeing as how you’re not a Comcast customer in this account, we’re going to need to check your credit, or you can place a $100 deposit, which you’ll get back in six months. What would you prefer?
DAVID
Huh, I’ve been a Comcast customer for 5 years now, and I have TV service under this account, how am I not a Comcast customer?
COMCAST BULK AGENT ELISE (V.O.)
Since Business accounts are different than Residential, and your TV service is paid for by the bulk tenant owner, we need to verify your ability to pay.
DAVID INNER MONOLOGUE (V.O.)
Ah, so even if I already have an online account, what really matters is if I am a paying customer. But it’s the same company. Why can’t they simply share customer creditworthiness?
DAVID
I suppose that makes sense. Let’s verify my credit then. Now, as a security precaution, I have a freeze established on my credit. What credit provider are you using, so I can temporarily lift the freeze for you to run the credit check?
COMCAST BULK AGENT ELISE (V.O.)
We run the credit check sir.
DAVID
Really. Can you check again, I bet your provider is something like Equifax?
DAVID INNER MONOLOGUE (V.O.)
Please don’t be Equifax.
COMCAST BULK AGENT ELISE (V.O.)
Ah, you’re right, it’s Equifax.
DAVID
Figured. Well, let me see if I can unfreeze it real quick before you run the credit check.
COMCAST BULK AGENT ELISE (V.O.)
Take as much time as you need sir, I’ll be on the line.
DAVID TYPES equifax.com in the browser and starts scanning the page, looking for the option to unfreeze credit.
DAVID
OK, let me see if I can do it quickly online, since I’ve already been on the phone for 40 minutes. OK, I need to register an account on myequifax.com… CLICK CLICK… easy. Oh and they now have two-factor authentication. Let’s do that, even though the only option is through SMS. Let’s get that verified… CLICK… … … … Hmm, that verification code never got sent to me. Let’s try to authenticate through personal credit questions then. OK, four questions, 1 CLICK, 2… CLICK, 3… CLICK, 4… CLICK. Done. OK…
ON SCREEN: You answered incorrectly, so you will need to call this number, 800-123-4567 to activate your account.
DAVID INNER MONOLOGUE (V.O.)
Wait what, How did I mess up a question? I must have rushed to quickly… dang it!
DAVID
I’m going to have to finish this later, sorry.
COMCAST BULK AGENT ELISE (V.O.)
No problem sir, feel free to call back when you’re ready.
TITLE: 4 hours later
DAVID, now dressed casually, DIALS the number from the Equifax web page on the phone. The Phone displays “Equifax”. DAVID SIGHS.
EQUIFAX AUTOMATED VOICE (V.O.)
Thank you for calling Equifax, to better assist you, please answer the following prompts. Please enter or say your Social Security Number.
DAVID grimaces, but TYPES his SSN on the phone.
EQUIFAX AUTOMATED VOICE (V.O.)
You entered ABC-DE-FGHI. Please say “yes” or press “1” to confirm.
DAVID PRESSES 1 the phone.
EQUIFAX AUTOMATED VOICE (V.O.)
Please enter or say your Date Of Birth.
DAVID TYPES his DOB on the phone.
EQUIFAX AUTOMATED VOICE (V.O.)
You entered MM-DD-YYYY...
DAVID PRESSES 1 the phone.
EQUIFAX AUTOMATED VOICE (V.O.)
Please enter or say your Numeric Street Address.
DAVID TYPES his numeric street address on the phone.
EQUIFAX AUTOMATED VOICE (V.O.)
You entered...
DAVID PRESSES 1 the phone.
EQUIFAX AUTOMATED VOICE (V.O.)
Please enter or say your Zip Code.
DAVID TYPES his zip code on the phone.
EQUIFAX AUTOMATED VOICE (V.O.)
You entered...
DAVID PRESSES 1 the phone.
EQUIFAX AUTOMATED VOICE (V.O.)
Thank you. To further confirm your identity, please answer the following questions related to your credit history.
DAVID
Ugh, seriously?
TITLE: 3 minutes later
EQUIFAX AUTOMATED VOICE (V.O.)
Thank you. Please hold while we transfer you to an Equifax representative.
TITLE: 5 minutes later
EQUIFAX AGENT FRANK (V.O.)
Hello there, this is Frank from Equifax, may I ask who I’m speaking with?
DAVID
David.
EQUIFAX AGENT FRANK (V.O.)
Hi David. Can you confirm your last name, social, date of birth, and street address for me?
DAVID INNER MONOLOGUE (V.O.)
How many times?
DAVID
Sure.
TITLE: 3 minutes later.
DAVID
Here’s the situation, I was trying to create an Equifax account online, and when I was answering the credit questions, I must have rushed through and missed a question, and it told me to call this number. Can you complete my account registration, so I can have online access?
EQUIFAX AGENT FRANK (V.O.)
Let me see here. TYPING. Unfortunately, the system says you did get a question wrong, so there’s nothing I can do here. Since these questions are only generated once per account registration, you’re going to have to mail in copies of your SSN and Driver’s license so we can confirm your identity and unlock your account.
DAVID
Excuse me. I just confirmed my identity on the phone twice now, which, by the way, had a different set of credit questions. So why can’t you fix it on your end?
EQUIFAX AGENT FRANK (V.O.)
Sorry sir, I can’t do that.
DAVID
Can you reset my account on the website, so I can reauthenticate? Or, at least, delete my account (since it’s not even fully created yet), and I can redo it on my end?
EQUIFAX AGENT FRANK (V.O.)
Nope. Sorry sir, there’s nothing I can do. You’ll have to mail in the required documents, and it will most likely take 5-7 business days to process.
DAVID
Surely, this must be a joke. There’s no way I’m sending copies of my most sensitive personal documents to Equifax, of all places.
EQUIFAX AGENT FRANK (V.O.)
These are measures for your protection sir, to make sure it’s really you.
DAVID INNER MONOLOGUE (V.O.)
Yea, that’s because your entire system was hacked!
DAVID
Look, there’s no way I’m trusting you enough to send documents when you can’t even send me a verification SMS code. Let me speak to a manager…
TITLE: 4 minutes later
EQUIFAX AGENT SUPERVISOR GILLIAN (V.O.)
Hi David. Can you confirm your Social, Date of Birth, and Street Address for me?
DAVID INNER MONOLOGUE (V.O.)
Here we go again.
TITLE: 1 minute later
DAVID
I think my request is rather simple, as this must happen all the time. I simply answered one credit history question incorrectly, and I’d like to be able to retry, if you would just reset the registration status, or approve it given that I’ve just authenticated over the phone 3x already, to talk to you?
EQUIFAX AGENT SUPERVISOR GILLIAN (V.O.)
Unfortunately, the system locks you out if you answer any question wrong. Mailing the documents is the only way to unlock your account.
DAVID
We’re living in the year 2019, and paper mail is the only way to unlock an online account in your system? This is simply unacceptable, can I talk to someone in IT that can do something to help my situation?
EQUIFAX AGENT SUPERVISOR GILLIAN (V.O.)
Sorry sir. IT doesn’t take support calls. The only way to contact them is through fax or by mailing your issue to the IT corporate address.
DAVID
The IT department doesn’t answer email?! Let me speak to your manager, or someone that can actually do something.
EQUIFAX AGENT SUPERVISOR GILLIAN (V.O.)
I’ll see if I can find a supervisor.
DAVID
No, I’d like to speak to your manager.
EQUIFAX AGENT SUPERVISOR GILLIAN (V.O.)
Sir, we don’t have supervisors.
DAVID INNER MONOLOGUE (V.O.)
Yea, right…
DAVID
Fine, just transfer me to a manager at the next level then…
TITLE: 8 minutes later
EQUIFAX AGENT SUPERVISOR GILLIAN (V.O.)
Sir, I can’t get a hold of any supervisor yet. Let me put you on hold for another few minutes. OK?
DAVID
There’s really no IT person I can talk to? Nor a supervisor. This is crazy. I have an Equifax PIN code to unfreeze my credit when I froze my credit last year. But there’s no place to enter it because Equifax’s online account system has locked me out. So there’s no way to use my PIN to unfreeze my credit anymore?
EQUIFAX AGENT SUPERVISOR GILLIAN (V.O.)
Well you can call this automated number, 123-456-7890, to unfreeze credits.
DAVID
Really, why wasn’t this mentioned anywhere on the website and not until now? I tell you what, I’m not going to unlock my equifax online account ever. I want to log a formal complaint to IT, and I want an email response from IT, as to why they can’t reset my account status on their computer system. And if I don’t get a response in 1-2 business days I’m going to blog about this!
EQUIFAX AGENT SUPERVISOR GILLIAN (V.O.)
Sure sir, sorry sir.
DAVID INNER MONOLOGUE (V.O.)
She must think I’m full of it.
DAVID
I will just use the automated system. Good bye.
DAVID HANGS UP the phone.
TITLE: 2 hours later
DAVID, still dressed casually, DIALS the number given to him by the Equifax agent. The Phone displays “Equifax”. DAVID SIGHS. It’s getting dark outside.
EQUIFAX AUTOMATED VOICE (V.O.)
Thank you for calling Equifax, to better assist you, please answer the following prompts. Please enter or say your Social Security Number.
DAVID INNER MONOLOGUE (V.O.)
Wait… this sounds like the same answering system as the original Equifax number. I’m getting a bad feeling about this.
TITLE: 5 minutes later
EQUIFAX AUTOMATED VOICE (V.O.)
… Press 2 to temporarily lift your credit freeze.
DAVID PRESSES 2.
DAVID INNER MONOLOGUE (V.O.)
This is it, let me pull up my PIN so I’m ready to enter it.
EQUIFAX AUTOMATED VOICE (V.O.)
You have temporarily lifted your credit freeze until … [SILENCE] …
Thank you.
DAVID hears DIAL TONE as the call abruptly ends.
DAVID INNER MONOLOGUE (V.O.)
LSADKJFS:KNFIWEONF. This system is so screwy. Does it mean my credit is unfrozen for an indeterminate amount of time, which would be really bad, or is the phone system simply broken? Only one way to find out, by going back to the root of this whole endeavor and set up my Comcast internet! Correction, bulk internet!
TITLE: 4 minutes later
DAVID
Yes, let’s run the credit check please.
COMCAST BULK AGENT HANK (V.O.)
Looks like it’s not coming through.
DAVID INNER MONOLOGUE (V.O.)
Not surprised.
DAVID
Fine, I’ll just put down the $100 deposit…
DAVID INNER MONOLOGUE (V.O.)
On the bright side, no one can create/access my online account and the automated phone freeze functionality is borked. So the only way to lift my credit freeze is through paper mail. I may have discovered how to deep freeze credit… an extra layer of security!
FADE OUT
While cringeworthy and insanity-inducing throughout, the excerpt captures some key realities:
- Corporate call centers are will-power crushing mazes built by the smartest minds of our generation, and they are evolving into solving zero real problems. The agents are more robotic, following scripts to the “T,” without any authority to make exceptions, and somehow they are all employees in an organization without a formal management structure. Talk about an advanced, unsupervised learning system!
- A set of well meaning, pragmatic rules can result in nonsensical and inefficient systems. TSA airport security is a prime example of this phenomenon.
- Participating in the system, makes one beholden to the system. You can’t fly without subjecting yourself to TSA security, and you certainly can’t get faster internet without interacting with a call center.
